the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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