I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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