Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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