peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
