ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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