Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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