My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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