Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize