i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
