I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
