I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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