I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
