remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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