She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
