Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
