I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
