She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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