You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
