can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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