My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
