I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
