On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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