i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In other news, I just burned my penis
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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