i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
