Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Of course I have a pirate flag
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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