Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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