how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
