All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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