I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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