i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
