They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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