I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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