I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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