I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
