I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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