Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
