Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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