yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
