please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
