I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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