I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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