I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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