There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
