Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
