Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
