Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
