There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
a search helicopter?!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
