did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
