I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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