I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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