god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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