I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
