3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
