in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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