one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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