totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
