i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
