I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?