I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?