booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
